First Rodeo

OK, so not a rodeo, more like a roller coaster. Let me just say that I like most people went into my first marriage with the best of intentions.  I was a little misled.  My goal after having ChloeJace, at 17 was to then make sure I found her the best father I could.  ChloeJace's dad was not in her life. And not the kind of not in her life that, the father lives down the road and only comes to see the child when he wants.  What I mean is not at all. He did come to see her once when she was just a few weeks old. He never even called! Not even once. So I had a job, a goal! To make my broken family into a real family. I will refer to my ex husband as (Mr.)
I met Mr. when I was pregnant with ChloeJace. He had asked me out a few times, but he asked out everyone, that and he was older then me and it kinda freaked me out.  I had ChloeJace on Mr.'s birthday and Mr. helped me out by giving me a job washing dishes. One day Mr. asked me out again, and I said sure. My thought process at the time was that it would be practice, practice leaving my child.  Mr. was really good   GREAT with ChloeJace. Mr. was someone I could put up with, we worked together after all, and he had real love for my child.  Even at that age I knew that you don't get that all the time. Dads all over don't care for their own children as much as Mr. cared for ChloeJace.
So we made plans for a wedding. I wasn't that much into it because growing up I wasn't one of those girls that dream about my wedding day. I wanted something private and simple, I thought a Disney Cruise would be perfect. Mr. thought that if we did something like that I would regret it. So we had a guest list of over 400 people. My list had 10 people on it. I think Rose from Titanic said it best when she said she felt as though she was in the middle of a room screaming and nobody could hear, the inertia of my life plunging forward and me powerless to stop it. I wasn't powerless though, I thought that was the sacrifice I must make for my child.  After all I owed to my child my life. Mr. was not a bad or mean man, and I loved him...like I love my friends, or my pet goldfish. Little did I know that at that time (the day of our wedding) our bridal party was making bets on if either of us would actually go through with it and how long it would last.
Less than 3 months into it, it was over. He came home one night. A home we had just moved into that we were planning on buying, a home that he had gone out and bought all new furniture for. Some friends of ours didn't understand why I was not happy about him going out without my knowledge and coming back with all new furniture. Mr. came home one night grabbed a duffel bag filled it up and left. On his way out he told me he was leaving...leaving me...leaving the child that he loved so dear. He returned 3 days later with divorce papers without protest I signed them. My dress was not back from the cleaners yet! We still had gifts to go through.
He then closed the business where we worked, took or sold what he wanted and left. I could not pay the rent since I didn't have a job. I was left to pick up the pieces of what he broke. At the time we got married just weeks before, I was unaware that he was addicted to gambling and pornography. He made no attempt to stop or control rumors about what had happened. I didn't even know what had happened. He even feed into the rumors to keep the focus off himself. He didn't want to be outted for what he was. I also know that I am not the victim we married knowing we were not in love. That is my fault. The only good thing Mr. ever did was leave me. Without the presence of physical abuse I would have stayed forever!
Divorce seems to be everywhere. I hear all the time of people that were in love that are now in the process divorcing.  I know God does not approve of divorce.
 Mathew 5:33 Again, you have heard that if it was said the the people long ago, Do not break your oath, but keep the oaths you have made to the Lord.

I am sharing this not to just tell my side of the story because I could go on for pages. I thought that I was doing the right thing. I thought that I was to sacrifice for my child. I allowed the guilt of not having a father for my child allow me to make a bad choice. Everyday we have choices. I did not seek wisdom, I did not turn to God an allow him to show me the way. When we make choices based on emotion we are just reacting. My prayer for my readers is that you don't allow guilt, fear,or your own agendas guide your decision making. Just because the intentions are good.
James 1:5 If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.