A Confession of Failure!

When ChloeJace was born there was nothing major to recall, of the 24 hours and 50 mins. of labor. She was whisked away because she wasn't breathing. The drugs they gave me had crossed into her system. Some blow by oxygen and a shot of narcan she was fine. When the pediatrician was through checking her, he handed her to me and said "she is perfect." For the most part that was true, she had a her fingers and all her toes. Just a few weeks of her being at home she started having problems. She had reflux and needed to change to formula. That helped but not for long. At 28 days old ChloeJace was hospitalized for the first time. She was only in for a few days, but it seemed forever. I felt hopeless and as if somehow there was something that I should have done to prevent it. ChloeJace's problems didn't end there.

By the time she was 6 months old she was doing breathing treatments regularly, still had reflux problems, and now diagnosed with asthma. I did all that I knew to do. Although I was a very young mother, I did not let the doctors intimidate me. I am sure her pediatrician hated me. I had her in the office 2-3 times a week. If we weren't there we where at a specialist office, when something is wrong you just know.

I managed to keep a job washing dishes full time and going to school full time. I clearly recall leaving work to get her take her to the hospital and leave the E.D at 5 am to be at school by 6-am. then go back to work. The week of her first birthday she was hospitalized again with RSV... again. She missed her own birthday party! A month from then she was back in the hospital getting tubes in her ears. Six months of ear infections is about all anyone can stand, I can't imagine what it was like for her.

At this point she had seen about 4 different specialist. We had the reflux, asthma, allergies, ear infections all under control. It was very hard doing all this with out a partner, and with no real family to speak of around.

By the time ChloeJace was 3, things were going well, she was doing great! We only had to see the doctor if she was sick, besides regular check ups. Spring of that year 2003, I was 21, an adult now in those terms. She had started to have more problems, but we could not figure out what was going on. I brought her to daycare, I was holding her, for some reason she seemed very tired that day. No sooner did we get to her class and the vomiting started! So I just turned around and walked right back out the door. I took her to the doctor they could not find anything wrong. After a month into this she was hospitalized... again. The doctor was SURE she had meningitis, and we has been at Chuck E Cheese, recently so I thought it made sense. She was treated and released. Only to be back in the same pattern of getting sick and being lethargic.

ChloeJace went on to go on vacation thinking, she had been treated, for what she had, it just takes time to feel better. The doctor said kids her age didn't get headaches, but to do a LP would just be to painful and not necessary to confirm her meningitis.

She had been on vacation three days it was July 7, and I got a call saying she had fallen and hit her head. They would be taking her to the doctor. Being far away for your child when you know that they have to be at the doctor. She had been poked and prodded at her entire life, but I was always their with her.

So around midnight I got the call I had been waiting for, or so I thought. She was at the hospital and had been admitted. I was beside myself how could I not be there with her...for her. The voice on the other end of the phone started shaking, obviously in distress. I asked "what is it" through the tears and broken up words I heard "she has a tumor in her brain".............what, What,WHAT. The world stopped! I fell to my bedroom floors in tears. I could not speak. I could not move. Shattered, is the only word I can give.

I hung up the phone, and my fingers dialed a number they were programed to dial. "Hello," said the sweet, sleepy voice on the other end. I tried to talk. It hurt to try to speak, but nothing would come out. I was so helpless. I could not even ask for help! My mother "Liz" had breast cancer years before. To have to speak the word tumor to her, was much more that I could bear. I paused....."brain tumor" was all I said. It was all I needed to say. Shaking and sweaty, I start to pack because I know I need to go, don't know where or how, but I had to get to my baby. My parents where on their way to get me to take me to Atlanta to jump on a plain to Illinois. I got enough strength, to call a few others, that loved ChloeJace and I. But each time I had to say "it" was harder.

I had failed myself, by not getting my child the right treatment and diagnosis. I had failed her by not being there, I was the only thing she had known I was her life, how alone, and scared she most have been. I myself was scared, and alone. You she was my first love and the only constant "real" thing I had ever known. I had failed us.

That day was a beginning for us. But that night as I laid on my floor too upset to scream or cry, God picked me up and carried me! The story goes on, but before I get to that you have to know that their is not 3 sets of footprints, there will be only one. When God picked me up He already had ChloeJace "Love" in His arms.



Thank You God! Praise and Glory to you!