Adopted at 27

I love how all through Psalms we are told to tell of the good deeds God has done. Basically, we are given complete liberty to be big fat tattle tales….on God! (Insert favorite childhood song of mine: “tattle tale, tattle tale, hang your britches on a nail, hang them high, hang them low…sorry, just had to.)  And that’s what my friend, Jennifer, has done in this recollection of how her legal adoption at age 27 came to be. Her story of God’s amazing deeds will grab your heart as it did mine. You will be introduced to a real couple who wear Jesus well and you’ll see a beautiful girl who is growing and thriving in her acceptance of God’s unconditional love. It’s a long post and I’d rather you read Jenn’s story than my introduction to it so I’ll shut up now. Ahem.

So it all started with a hand shake and a very reluctant hug.  It was about 12 years ago when I was seventeen and pregnant and found myself at church having to shake hands with old people which was very annoying to me. The old people seemed nice but they liked to hug and shake hands. Soon these people where everywhere.  But they didn't seem to mind that I was pregnant or that I didn't have a father for the baby. Not everyone is like that though. You see even at church you get lots of cold stares and people whisper when you walk by.  In fact there were people in the church that wouldn't even talk to someone like me.  But not Bob and Liz. They were different. They came to visit me when I had my baby and of course, they wanted to hug!  Soon everywhere I went I would see Bob and Liz. I started to like them. I could talk about my struggles of being a child, and my struggles of having a baby. My daughter, ChloeJace, was very sick and so it was nothing for her name to be on the prayer chain. She was first hospitalized at 28 days old. Over the next few years Bob and Liz were around a lot.  They were there for first surgeries, first Christmas, and her first birthday.  I got used to them wanting hugs, but still didn't like it. They became my go-to people for advice on everything and they were there for ChloeJace for everything. They were like Grandparents!  Soon they knew all the stories of my past and how I got to be where I was which included all the bad stories of all the bad things that I had done.  Just short of killing a person I have done almost everything bad you can think of.  We were building a real relationship.  God had woven our lives together.  And the ironic thing is that I didn't even notice what God was doing. I think he was shielding me from understanding what he was doing because if I had known I would have done a lot more to sabotage God's plan.  I thought that it was my destiny to be miserable and unhappy forever.  Did I mention I had done a lot of bad things?  So I thought being unhappy and miserable was my payback. 

But God

But God began to show me that I could be clean; that he could make me new and whole again.  God began to work IN me and he has been working on me for years. Through these two people he put in my life I began to change.  I was no longer grossed out by having to hug them. I wanted to hug them and I wanted to be apart of them.  God has used them to show me that love doesn't have to be earned. That no matter what the bad things are in my life, someone wants to put their arms around me and tell me they love me. There is no amount of badnesss, if that is a word, that God cannot overcome. God picked me up from being single, pregnant and homeless and he cleaned me up and made me new again.

So my life has gone on.  I got married, had another kid and finished school. And still after all these years there are two people in my life that are there because they want to be there.

Years went by of this couple loving me, spending time with me and visiting with me. And then finally, after years of hoping, I heard the words I’ll never forget. It was in October of 2009 while Bob and Liz were up for a visit. It had been talked about and mentioned before, but only lightly. I guess with both of us being human you have to test the waters. After all, I HAD been a real piece of work! It took a long time for the walls to come down.   Looking back it made the Berlin wall look easy.

But God

But God helped tear down those walls.

So back to the words spoken. It was not planned by us but by God. I had been praying that they would ask. And they had been praying if they should ask. It is not something you take lightly or that can come to fruition without God. And when Liz stood up from the couch a towering 5'3", I was standing right in front of her and she said, "For years now we have been playing; we should make it official. We should adopt you.”  And at 26 years old, those were the most beautiful words I have ever heard. I didn't even have to think; the answer, of course, was yes!!  And in December of 2009 the courts officially stamped the document. I became Jennifer Leah Clark-Dalpe!!  My biological mother had died when I was 3, so after 23 years I finally had a Mommy and a Daddy! My kids know them as their grandparents because they are.  I try not to think of it too much. My flesh jumps in and I think of how I can't belong or don't belong. I am so used to not being accepted. How could anyone be willing to do anything more than play family with me.

But God

But God started working on this years before those awkward hand shakes and annoying hugs ever took place. And he has continued to work. God never gives up on us even when we give up on ourselves. God has transformed me in ways I could have never dreamed of.  But he did it so slowly that I never knew it was happening. God came to me in the form of two little red headed people. He used them to show me love. It is never too late for God. It took longer than I wanted to get the family that I wanted but God knew what it would take to get to me. So I know it couldn't have happened at a better time. The handshake had to come first and the walls had to come down and then family could fill those places.

ok? ok! God am I ok?

 Coming this Memorial Day, my husbands dad will have been dead for 12years.  Brian don't know that all he knows is his Dad has been gone for a long time. Why I know the date and year is a bit odd, I never knew him. I wish I had, known him.  But it doesn't stop my heart break for him. Life is sweet like cinnamon. 

As I think of the death of my mother, I know that not having that person with you is haunting. What, would be,could be, should be. In my dream I can make up my own stories. But we all wake up.  My heart means well, it wants me to be happy, but swimming in the dreams and waking up without that person, I don't know if it makes it harder or easier, to be with out them. Do we all fool everyone that we are OK? 

What is OK,we say it so much be we don't really mean it. Waking up with tears is not OK, or is it. What is our standard OK?  Everything is OK, no  I am fine.

It doesn't just have to be death and dying, sometimes it is life and living.

It is OK for orphans to drowned in their now tears? I don't have to see it so it must be OK

. Is greed OK. A job that you can't stand that makes you sick to go to. OK for millions to go hungry while we scrap our food by the plate full?

OK, to have your heartbroken, by life, people and circumstance.

The only thing I know that makes ALL of this OK is that God is with me, with us, with them, with you. He is there all the time and that is OK. The best OK I could have. Without God nothing could be OK.

False Evidence Appearing Real

I am embarrassed to say, I have anxiety and I get panic attacks!  There it is out.  I know it is not Godly and not from or of God!  That alone gives me anxiety!  As a God fearing christian I know this has nothing to do with God, I am supposed to be in the world not of this world.  I feel if people know my secret they will look down on me.  I mean come on! I have good health, two kids, a boy and a girl, a husband that has worked at the same place for 17 years, we live in a decent house, we have health insurance, dental and vision, we have a dog that was a rescue, and I have got to stay home with my children.  Who could ask for more?
But it is FEAR, False Evidence Appearing Real. And I know it is false.  But what is "it". I am not sure, different things set my panic attacks off. The last one was at the dentist, in the chair, the office was full.  I was getting anesthetic, she stuck the needle into my gums...everything went black, I started hyperventilating and crying. "you messed up I am blind, I'm blind!!  Hello crazy! After the doctor having to stop work and rush to me, my sight slowly returned and they called my husband to come pick me up. So embarrassing!!They rescheduled my appointment, and gave me a prescription to fill and take 45 mins. before I come in again! I could have died of embarrassment right there!
Part of the reason it is so embarrassing is that you have no control! None! It feels as though the world stopped.  When I have panic attacks, beside going blind, which for some reason I have to scream out,  I sweat (gross, so much for clinical strength), and I shake.
It all started about 3 months after ChloeJace had brain surgery. Less then a year later ChloeJace, with the help of her grandmother, asked Jesus to come into her heart.

So maybe I am crazy, certifiably nuts, or maybe I had to be so strong for so long that this is the only way to stop me or slow me down for a while.  I don't know, but I know I can still praise God!  Even when I am blind.  I had a panic attack today, and tonight George came to me and asked how he can have Jesus in his heart forever! This has been a great day! I have prayed for this day since before George was born. Tonight with ChloeJace, myself and his grandmother, Elizabeth Clark, George accepted the Lord!

Easter Dress

Easter isn't here yet, but Lent is and that means Easter is coming.  So I have to rant some more.  First off we don't call it Easter at our house, but most people do.  Now we refer to it as Passover or Resurrection Sunday, Easter is a pagan holiday, and we are not pagans.  For several years now I have been trying to do holidays different.  We don't to Santa, we don't give our children tons of presents.  Christmas at our home looks a little different then it used to.  We have been doing Resurrection Sunday different too.  One thing I stopped doing years ago is buying new clothes for Resurrection Sunday.  Now, I know Spring is about dead thing coming alive, flowers blooming, birds singing and all that great stuff you look forward to after a long winter of shoveling snow.

One thing I noticed was how much emphassis was put on resurrection Sunday dress.  Have you gone shopping yet? Did you get a hat? What are the children wearing? Do you all match? Let's plan a shopping trip! I found the perfect shoes!  Not to mention the money that goes into it. Let my just say that I think you should dress nice for church. However that might mean you nicest jeans, cleanest sneakers.  Every Resurrection Sunday every church we have gone to has always been packed!  Packed with lots of people wearing lots of new stuff.  Jesus didn't die so you could buy those new shoes you have been watching at the mall.  No matter where we have lived or what church we went to there is something that I noticed.  Not everyone can afford to buy the whole family new clothes for church.  You can totally tell who is wearing new and who isn't, not to mention all the fuss.  On Resurrection Sunday I humble go to the cross, not vain and all dressed up!

Not to mention the people that can't afford new stuff.  You don't think the other children notice that some kids don't have new shoes, dress, and a hat to match.  I don't want to go to church and make other feel uncomfortable.  I know of people that haven't gone to church because of not having brand new stuff to wear that Sunday.  Maybe it wouldn't be so bad but it is made into such a big thing. There are Easter sales, groups  of ladies to shopping trips, kids (mostly girls) talk about what they are getting.  When they should be talking about how Christ died for our sins, not if you got gloves or a hat!

There are women's organizations that help find batter women jobs, or shelters.  These women and children NEED clothes.  Women that have lost everything NEED clothes for job interviews.  These places take donations.  Last year I bought a dress and donated it.  Why? Because I had something to wear, because I never want to make other feel out of place being the only ones that can't afford something, because I am not worthy to go to the cross regardless of what I am wearing.  This year we may go to church in sweats, I go humble, not proud!

I know this isn't for everyone, I have been convicted you may not feel convicted that is fine.  My family is blessed, I am sure yours is too.  I don't want to collect riches in this world, I want to help and give to those that don't have.  I will set next to the homeless man at our church and not worry that my Easter whites will get dirty if he touches me.  And I hope he won't feel out of place watching everyone with all their new stuff shuffle in then out of the church, while he walks back down the alley to where he stay.  I know some people will say they buy new stuff, but it is not that big of a deal. Or we buy new stuff but we still talk about Jesus and our children know Easter is not about new clothes.  To that I would say good then the new stuff you buy they would happily donate, and you will buy the $100 pair of shoes and give them to away...right?

'I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!' Matthew 25:40 Because I am doing this with my family doesn't mean I think I am better than people that don't agree with me. Obviously God convicted me for a reason! Because I put emphasis on what we would wear, and that I should buy Easter clothes for my family. Maybe you don't.

Fasting

Let me just give a brief history of my fasting.  I have fasted a meal to read God's word or pray for a person or situation. We have fish during Lent, most of the time, having a diabetic husband can make daily meals odd no matter what the season.  If he is low and needs to eat quick well, then that is what has to happen. Sure we could get the fish sandwich while in the drive thru, um, no thanks, I don't think that is actually fish. If you asked me I would have said "yes, I have fasted" if you ask God he might just roll his eyes and shake his head!

So I will be fasting on Fridays, till well, I don't know.  I drink only water. Yup, that is right no 3 cups of coffee in the am, no diet coke. P.S. I love my keurig, and diet coke! I need to go to diet coke rehab!

Yesterday, I started off and I thought it would be fairly easy to go the whole day 24hrs. with only water.  I usual don't eat till about 2:30pm anyway, that is almost half the day.  Well, when you don't have all that coffee and caffeine running through your body, the hunger kicks in WAY sooner! Let me just tell you by 10am, I cried! I did, I was so hungry and there were so many hours left, how could I do this.  I also have the will power of a two year old in a candy shop, and it is 2hours past nap time. I also need to mention that Friday is grocery day.  So I packed the kids up and went to the grocery, and I could smell the already cooked items just pulling up. So made it through, and nobody saw me licking the glass doors in the freezer section, at least I hope not.  I also do a lot of cooking at home. The menu for the evening was homemade-ish chicken pot pie. Not licking the spoon was so very hard!! Do you know how many spoon you lick a day? or knifes? or crumbs that you just pop-in your mouth? Half my calories any given day are completely mindless, licking while I make for others. Oh! back to dinner. Homemade fresh bread. Hot with dinner and pumpkin butter on top! I did not eat any crumbs as I cut the warm fresh, steamy bread, and as I spread the pumpkin butter I could smell it's butter goodness! But I also made desert, gingerbread cookies.  I also let the children decorate them.  Decorating is very messy, I did a lot of wiping my hands off. *shakes fist in air*. But I lived to write this today so it can be done!
Sorry there is no picture I could not punish my self further by having my yummy meal pose for pictures, besides my iPhone doesn't have an app for tasting.

It's been awhile!

Well, ChloeJace's heart surgery went well! That is the reason I haven't written in awhile.  Make the 3hour drive across the great state of Ohio with 2 kids takes a lot out of you!  ChloeJace started school like everyone  this fall.  In fact by the time she started you would not know she had the ICD/Pacemaker put in just 2 weeks earlier.  She was a bit tired the first couple of days, but what kid isn't? I still need some more time before I go over that day with you.  It was emotionally and mentally draining.  But well worth it! And our EP (electrophysiologist) Dr. Clark was great!  As of now she has not used the implanted device! Praise God!

Just a few weeks after surgery ChloeJace was able to ride a bike again! Something that she had not be allowed to do in years. She rides a lot now, she is learning the no hands trick!  Just the other night she was in her p.j's outside riding her bike! She is also in band now, she wanted to play belles (percussion).  She is also in bowling and starts girl scouts this coming week. None of these she was able to do before unless she was transported separately and I stood over her with an AED!

Sad to say since she got her ICD there has been a girl pass from sudden cardiac arrest (in CA) and another live to get an ICD (texas). Here is the thing they both happened at school! The girl that live had an AED on her in seconds, not 10 min. later.  If your school has an AED in the office locked, if a student collapses on the football field how long does it take to find someone that has a key and run up to get the AED and run back?  What if only office staff have the key?  I can't imagine help being so close but out of reach and a child dying! Can you? Does your school have an AED? Don't you think CPR should be a life skill? If you have children it should be! So why are we pretending our children aren't dying! Because we don't want to change, we don't want to spend the money on an AED?

The truth, whole truth and yadda, yadda, yadday!

Ok so I failed to mention in the last blog. That  ChloeJace's up coming surgery scares me! I am terrified. I am afraid of being alone in the hospital with her.  Afraid of the actual surgery.  ChloeJace has only had 3 surgery's in her life but has been put to sleep over a dozen times.  I know the financial burden will be heavy, but that doesn't scare me, maybe it should?  Recovery at home with her and George scares me.  The 3 hour drive home from the hospital with just her and I scares me.
  George love, love, loves his sister, when she is away for a night, he is uneasy.  For her and I both to be gone, will be very dramatic for him, especially if Brian has to work!  I know he will want to be with her and play and get in her bed. It will be hard to keep him in a safe distance from her.
 So here it is my fears, all of them written out so I have to face them, and not just look over till I am ready to deal with them.  I am not ready to deal with ANOTHER life saving, changing...surgery!  I have strong faith and know that ChloeJace's is in good hands,  God's hands.  But I am just a human, and I love my child very much, and I know if he brings me to it he WILL see me through it!

Heart Surgery for ChloBug

Since we found out of the possible LongQT Syndrome in 2009 Chloe's life has changed.  She is not supposed to swim, participate in sports, run, ride bike, participate in gym.  Most of the things that kids do she is not supposed to do.  In school while the rest of her class goes to gym, she attends another music class.  During field days she just walks around.

Friday we went to see the electrophysiologist in Akron, OH.  That is a 3 hour drive from our house! We have decided to go forward with have an ICD (implantable cardioverter-defibrillator).  Within the next 2-3 weeks.  Because she is small, the doctors will go in her stomach and attach it directly to her heart.  After she gets older and bigger it will be placed in her chest.  She will have a scar but it will be small.  She will have to stay overnight possible 2 after the surgery. Recovery is about 2 weeks.  I still have no idea what I will do with George, I am sure it will all work out.


ChloeJace is looking forward to the surgery, the first thing she wants is a bike.  We have talked about the surgery and what it means and what will happen.  As any child would be she is a bit nervous, but still excited to be able to do more normal things.

Brian, is nervous too, he has never had a child go through any type of surgery. Due to the cost he will not be able to take time off during or for the surgery.  That is ok, Chloe and I are pro's at this.  The doctor that did ChloeJace's brain surgery is at the same hospital now, he is on the floor just below the heart doctor..

Cedar Point trip 11

Since July 4th is my favorite holiday, this year we actually did something.  We packed up the car and kids and headed to Cedar Point. 

The car trip was only about an hour and a half. Not Bad!!

First stop was the carousel! Something the whole family could do.

George found lots of rides he could go on.

Some he needed a big person with him.

Some CJ could do.

Some she needed Mom for.

Brian even got to do some.

Oh! and Boom in the sky at Lake Erie!

Day 2 called for the world's biggest snow cone!

Blue Steel!! hehe

But all good things come to an end!

Food, Food, Food

I guess it should be no surprise that I have issues with food, who doesn't! I guess it goes back to my childhood ( what doesn't)?  For a long time I was a vegetarian, my father was not! He was a man like most and MEAT is the only food group.  Not good for a person that doesn't eat any meat (not even fish).  So I went to bed many nights  hungry. There is an old saying that kids will eat when they are hungry.  Not true they will go without instead of eating something that is gross or icky!
So My issue is if it is on my plate, I eat it, if it is left over I eat it.  Their are starving kids and families all over who am I to throw perfectly good food out, when someone is dying this moment from malnutrition. So I eat the food. I also try to have already made foods ready so it is easy to grab and go, or have a quick snack. 

I have noticed that on t.v. most of the people are thin but you see them they are eating junk, and Cheetos! By the way I love Cheetos! (Dear makers of Cheetos if you read this please send me lots of Cheetos. thanks xoxox).  I have looked into Celeb. diets, and I am very surprised at what they eat.  There are lots of natural foods, but also lots of food service orders, personal trainers, and personal chefs, healthy living coaches, ect.  So from what I get the average person should have the average body.

As a woman I look around, and I see woman with better, and worse then I have.  I am not worried about worse, I am worried about better.  I think every woman wants their husband to look at them like they are the only woman EVER! We have been told what to think is sexy and beautiful. So next time you see me if I look like I have a few extra pounds now you know why!

Pick of the week

I love this! It was peppermint and eucalyptus. It refreshes and wakes you up! Lots of essential oils! Can be purchased in Salons.

The First Cut isn't always the deepest!

This post is for my Mom who has been praying for me before I was her child.  And for Mary M. who helped me see that you have to let it go.

Let's just jump right in!
I started cutting myself around the age of 12 or maybe 13. For sure by 13.  I was sad, very depressed.  That is also around the age I started drinking.  I don't remember why or how I first go into it.  I can't tell you about the first time.  Even in High School I would cut myself at school.  My teachers never knew, my Dad never knew.  I also had a tattoo for 2 years before he found out about it!  I wore long sleeves most of the time and when I wore short ones I had a scrunchy at just the right spot as to not show any marks I had at the current time.  I also used other areas of my body, as it was easier to hide.

Like I said I was very sad very depressed.  But most of all I didn't have coping skills, I didn't even know what they were or that I needed any.  I thought I was just a bad seed.  Doomed for ever to walk this Earth trapped in the pain.  The mental pain was soooo much worse then any physical pain at the time.  I am not sure how to explain it unless you have been there before.  You can't get away form your mind and your thoughts, and I was a prisoner of mine.  Although I knew their is/was God, I didn't know him, I just knew of him. I didn't grow up in a home of Bible reading or church on the weekends.  All I knew is that something had to give I needed some kind of release from ME!  So I cut myself....why? because it felt good... how could doing that feel good? it was something I could control,  how much, how deep, how many.

Their are times that I did want to die, be released form the prison of my mind.  Sometimes, it was a close to hell that you could ever be on earth.  And if this was how bad it was on earth I knew I didn't want to go to hell. So I hoped for more of an accidental overdose type of death.

One day, I found out I was pregnant, and I stopped! It has been about 12 years since the last time I cut myself.  The scars are still there some are faded and some will be there till God calls me home.  Just because I stopped, God didn't just hand me coping skills on a platter, I have been to counseling, several times.  But prayer from people that may have been awakened at night to pray and didn't know why or for who, and God granting me is GREAT, WONDERFUL, EVERLASTING, SUFFICIENT....GRACE

From Mayhem to Manna!

To tell you the truth I have not finished reading this book.  But from what I have read this book is a must read!  It is a true story of one woman's life and how God's grace and love brought her to a place of love and healing. In this book Pastor Mary Manna, tells of her childhood through adulthood and the unbelievable journey she has traveled! Mental hospitals, shock treatments, padded cell, etc.  I would love to tell you more, but that is Mary's job!  If you have ever thought you could never be clean, that you where to tarnished, you are not alone. 

 I would like to ask the author, why her?  What is it about her that is more finely tuned. You can see God's grace all over her life.  How can someone be so close to God, yet so very far away. 

Ok so you can get the book at amazon.  www.amazon.com search Pastor Mary Manna. Or from Tate Publishing. Pastor Mary is also on Facebook!
ISBN 978-1-61739-602-1)

Doing things different.

I have chosen to do things a little different with my children,  call me new fashioned!  Since I had ChloeJace back when I was 17 I know that things would be different.  I have never taught my children to buy into all the fake cartoonish aspects of holidays.  She never got gifts from Santa and had been taught that it is fun to pretend and some like to pretend and they use the "Christmas man".

I can still recall how horrible it was to find out that all these BIG people had been lying to me for years. when I found out that Santa, Easter bunny, tooth fairy I cried and cried, if they would lie about this what eles would they lie about.  I know some of you are thinking it is just for fun and not to take is so seriously. If you are the one being lied to it isn't fun!

The story of Chris Kringle is one that I share with the kids, but he did not live at the North Pole .  In school ChloeJace colored pictures of the North Pole and Elves.  But I have always made it a point to tell her what Christmas is really about.  It leads to some good conversations about why people chose to focus on other things beside the real reason we celebrate these holidays.

During Easter my kids get candy and junk toys the will only play with for a few day. Which reminds me I need to throw out the candy from Christmas!  My children don't get new clothes to wear for Easter!  There have even been a few Easter Sunday's that we don't go to church!  I just have no interest in  not finding a parking spot, not having a place to sit, and being distracted by all the people that want to leave right after communion!  I am glad that the people go, but can't they pick another day? Showing up in your new clothes once a year is fine and all but to the others that go more often you stick out like a sore thumb.  All those that have somewhere they have to go, and feel the need to leave after communion, you do know that you can watch Easter service on T.V!

I have never had ChloeJace say, wow I wish you would have taught me to believe in fake bunnies, and fat men, and people coming to steal my teeth at night when I am asleep.  She has also never told others that it is fake!  Even at her age, she was shocked at how many kids in her class didn't know the real reason for these holidays.

A lot of people will not agree with me, and that is fine.  This is just the way I have chosen to do things. I may have it all wrong! When my children have children of their own they can do it differently. Till then, they will learn the stories from the bible not from fairy tales.

My Plug of the Week!

Recently I was raking the neighbors yard, when  I got a blister between my thumb and index finger.  In the web part! OUCH!  And the little bubble part that protects it came off too.  So I just had an open sore with all the nerver endings exposed. It kept cracking open and split, at this time I decded to put something on it.  I had Burt's Bees res-q ointment!!! LOOOVVVEE it. I put some on and it soothed it right away, it didn't burn or sting (haha bee sting..get it).  The next morning it even looked better. And if all that wasn't good enough, it doesn't smell like an old persons's medicen cabnet.  It was lavender in it so it smell nice. Also it is 95.7% natural!  Oh! Burt it just gets better!

Forgive

Pretty simple Right?.  We are all familiar with needing forgiveness and giving it too.  But do we really?  I mean.. ok so we ask God for forgiveness daily..right?...or we should...  Then I hear people say well God knows my heart, I don't have to ask he already knows, he knew before I did it that I would need forgiveness.  Besides, God is very busy so why bother him with stuff he already knows.
I know I sometimes will ask someone to forgive me, years after I should have.  Or we let it go unsaid and just pretend nothing ever happened.  As long as nobody is talking about it, I will just move past it.  I don't like those hard conversations either.
We tend to let this part of God's word just to hang out till we want to deal with asking for forgiveness.  Just this week I was at the gym, watching T.V., and on was the story of the man that shot the Amish children in their school.  I know that is old news, but I didn't watch it then because it made me sad to think about.  As I watch this story unfold, I feel the tears coming up and I am trying my best not to break out in uncontrollable sobs.  If you know the story, several of the girls that where shot died, 5 of them!! 5 families lost a child that day!!  The gunman then killed himself. This community then, just a few days, less then a week after this happened they went to the wife of the man that murdered their children and injured more and they FORGAVE that woman for what her husband had done.
Ok, so look at your child, now think about someone killing your child, and you taking the red eye to forgive the family! SAY WHAAAT!!!
It is hard to think of, I have a hard time wrapping my brain around that kind of forgiveness. But, that is how we should do it!  If how we forgive others is how we are forgiven then, I want to look like those Amish families!  Not, like the ohhh well, I am just not ready to forgive yet, let me bring it up a half dozen more times so you can feel like crap about it again, and again,and again.
How do you forgive?

High school/without the musical!

Recently there have been so high school type antics going on!  I found myself in a position that I didn't want to be in.  I want the best for everyone, and I want the whole world to be rainbows and unicorns.  I do know that is just not the way it is.  I also found out that some of my blood relatives think... well, I will just say not too highly of me.  In fact, down right, badly.  That hurt!  And these things seemed to join when,  like I said high school junk!  Guess what your family member said!  I won't go into detail but I have not spoken with either party in about a year.

While all this junk was going on ChloeJace turned to me and said something like "Mom their are starving kids, I am going to collect cans for them."  I was floored, it took me back to reality.  Everyone won't like me, even some that are supposed to love me.  I will not always do the right thing.  But I have to keep a bigger than me prospective.  When I get into my own little problems, and my own little life, I forget about how greatly I am blessed.

God, thank you for using the wisdom of a child to bring me back down.  Thank you for showing me, my hurt feelings are nothing compared to the suffering in this world.  There is a big world outside of high school.  Thank you for giving me a child that has such wisdom and a caring heart that she would at her young age be concerned about things bigger than her.  Lord, make me more like my child, and less childish to get pulled into things that are not of you.

Prepartum depression

No, I am not pregnant, I CAN'T have anymore kids.  I have been struggling with writing about this.  It's kinda embarrassing.  My two pregnancies where very different.  One would think that you would get depressed for being single, living in someones car while pregnant.  Nope, not me!  I was married just moved to a great city (Louisville).  But not too long after moving to L'ville, something changed!  Well, a
lot changed. But something inside changed.  Before I was even due, I would lay in the floor and cry! I know can you imagine a big fat pregnant woman rolling in the floor crying?  I even told my doctor about it.  I guess it was the way I said it but he just laughed and reassured me the baby would be out before long.

He was right, he even moved up my due date by a week.  So when I came home I thought everything (inside) would go back to normal and I would be happy-go-lucky as before.  Not so much, in fact, not at all.  I never wanted to harm my child or myself, I just wanted my life to go away.  It didn't help that George had colic, and I didn't have a friend in a 2 state radius.  So I felt stuck, in a life with this baby that cried 24/7.  I remember  driving around at night, leaving around 10pm and coming home around 6am, so that Brian could sleep.  I was so ashamed that I didn't even talk to Brian about it.  But I have told a few people how I packed George's bag and when Brian got home I was going to go drop him off at the nearest fire station.  As funny as it is, it is very true.  I don't think their is a Mom out there that wants to admit that they ever felt that way about A CHILD, but for it to be your child is worse.  I thought that I was a monster!  Who thinks like that, and actually packs their child's bag!

Somethings I can't explain and pre or post partum depression in one of those.  Even after George got over the colic (18+ months).  I had to deal with the depression state.  He is now 4 and there is not a day that goes by that I am glad I didn't drop him off at the fire station!

Buying Crack for Jesus

I can say that I have never given till it hurts, you know I have never gone without so that someone truly in need could have.  This is as close as I have gotten.  We don't live on a huge budget.  Sometimes I have to save or set aside money for a while to get what I want/need.  shhh! I hide the money in my wallet! I had less the 50 dollars saved but no sure of the amount.

George and I were our running errands yesterday, and there in front of me, in my personal space, was a man that was trying to communicate with me but was deaf.  It was obvious that he needed money, and a bath, among other things.  I did a quick search of my heart, what is this man all about, looking him over I reached into my purse pulled out my wallet and gave.  I gave every dollar I had, I held nothing back.  Which is hard for me, I hoard money away from my husband. Yes I hoard it. Hey at least it is not cats, right?  So each dollar was like my "cat child" that I have been hoarding.  I just let it go!  I almost broke out in a sweat, not because of who I was giving it to but because I had worked so hard at hoarding it.

I know you shouldn't give money, you should give time, you can buy food and bring it.  Bring them clothes shoes, but you should never give money.  whatever  I did it.  I prayed over that money as it was walking away from me. God, I want that money to be used, for good, not for evil. Draw this man near to you, hold him, whisper to him that you love him and you are his father.
Ok, so then it hit me, well maybe, I just gave him enough to buy some crack! AHHH! Who knows I can't go with him to see what he uses it for.  But I don't want to watch the news and hear a story of a man that was given money by people of the community to buy drugs, and now is over dosed and is dead. Another John Doe.  So my prayer quickly took a sharp turn. Lord, if he buys crack (or any other drug) may it be the crack that brings him to you! May he it the bottom, so he can start to climb back up!

I will have to start my hoarding aging.  I was saving to get my oil changed in my car. That is okay. My car can wait, Heaven can't wait, lost souls can't wait!

 

wonderful Wednesday!woohoo

It starts out, taking CJ to school then coming home to get George and I ready.  We got back to the school before 10am. There was a tornado drill..everyone in position! Time for buses to load. CJ had to ride with me because they have no AED's on the bus and the school only has one!  So if I couldn't go on the field trip then CJ wouldn't be able to go! (isn't that discrimination?) So we get to UNOH and tour the campus, had I known this I might not have wore heels.  Carrying George and a 10 lbs. AED is not fun.  Plus it was cold! ewww.  Then it was across the street to the event hall for an etiquette banquet. I had to sit by George, who knocked over his salad and then started licking the ranch off the table.  Now he has never done that at home, so why when we have to behave does this happen? After lunch we took CJ back to school.

Next was nap time. Up early to pick CJ up from school, Wednesdays are half days.  Office Depot was next. CJ decided she loved the store.  After getting the supplies we needed it was back home.  CJ then took a quick walk around the block to collect caned goods for a local charity that feeds people in the community.  Back in the car 30mins. later to go to 2 school, first an Arts Magnet School, the across town to the Sci-Tech magnet school.  We had to tour both in under 3 hours. Back home! By this time it was dinner and nothing was ready so the Chinese Restaurant.  We ordered 3 meals for 4 people and some how took home 3 meals...gotta love Chinese.  Home again! Bed, bath, and beyond. Oh! and I tried to hook up my printer and well my Mac doesn't have word and I can't find a word that is old enough to run on the format. The Pc's hardrive doesn't work so I can't download anything with a disk, but it does have word.  My night ended in frustration, Thank you technology!