lot changed. But something inside changed. Before I was even due, I would lay in the floor and cry! I know can you imagine a big fat pregnant woman rolling in the floor crying? I even told my doctor about it. I guess it was the way I said it but he just laughed and reassured me the baby would be out before long.
He was right, he even moved up my due date by a week. So when I came home I thought everything (inside) would go back to normal and I would be happy-go-lucky as before. Not so much, in fact, not at all. I never wanted to harm my child or myself, I just wanted my life to go away. It didn't help that George had colic, and I didn't have a friend in a 2 state radius. So I felt stuck, in a life with this baby that cried 24/7. I remember driving around at night, leaving around 10pm and coming home around 6am, so that Brian could sleep. I was so ashamed that I didn't even talk to Brian about it. But I have told a few people how I packed George's bag and when Brian got home I was going to go drop him off at the nearest fire station. As funny as it is, it is very true. I don't think their is a Mom out there that wants to admit that they ever felt that way about A CHILD, but for it to be your child is worse. I thought that I was a monster! Who thinks like that, and actually packs their child's bag!
Somethings I can't explain and pre or post partum depression in one of those. Even after George got over the colic (18+ months). I had to deal with the depression state. He is now 4 and there is not a day that goes by that I am glad I didn't drop him off at the fire station!
I don't know having never been pregnate, but I think there is too much stress on how we should feel. I know having grow up in an alcoholic famiy, I was always trapped in how I should feel, rather than how I do feel. Today I try and live with how I do feel, to hell with how I should feels. Feeling down is as much a part of life as feeling up. We can't have one without the other. Most of the time I don't feel like I should, but that's another story. I like not feeling like I should and love feeling like I do. Even if others don't like it.
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