The First Cut isn't always the deepest!

This post is for my Mom who has been praying for me before I was her child.  And for Mary M. who helped me see that you have to let it go.

Let's just jump right in!
I started cutting myself around the age of 12 or maybe 13. For sure by 13.  I was sad, very depressed.  That is also around the age I started drinking.  I don't remember why or how I first go into it.  I can't tell you about the first time.  Even in High School I would cut myself at school.  My teachers never knew, my Dad never knew.  I also had a tattoo for 2 years before he found out about it!  I wore long sleeves most of the time and when I wore short ones I had a scrunchy at just the right spot as to not show any marks I had at the current time.  I also used other areas of my body, as it was easier to hide.

Like I said I was very sad very depressed.  But most of all I didn't have coping skills, I didn't even know what they were or that I needed any.  I thought I was just a bad seed.  Doomed for ever to walk this Earth trapped in the pain.  The mental pain was soooo much worse then any physical pain at the time.  I am not sure how to explain it unless you have been there before.  You can't get away form your mind and your thoughts, and I was a prisoner of mine.  Although I knew their is/was God, I didn't know him, I just knew of him. I didn't grow up in a home of Bible reading or church on the weekends.  All I knew is that something had to give I needed some kind of release from ME!  So I cut myself....why? because it felt good... how could doing that feel good? it was something I could control,  how much, how deep, how many.

Their are times that I did want to die, be released form the prison of my mind.  Sometimes, it was a close to hell that you could ever be on earth.  And if this was how bad it was on earth I knew I didn't want to go to hell. So I hoped for more of an accidental overdose type of death.

One day, I found out I was pregnant, and I stopped! It has been about 12 years since the last time I cut myself.  The scars are still there some are faded and some will be there till God calls me home.  Just because I stopped, God didn't just hand me coping skills on a platter, I have been to counseling, several times.  But prayer from people that may have been awakened at night to pray and didn't know why or for who, and God granting me is GREAT, WONDERFUL, EVERLASTING, SUFFICIENT....GRACE