The truth, whole truth and yadda, yadda, yadday!

Ok so I failed to mention in the last blog. That  ChloeJace's up coming surgery scares me! I am terrified. I am afraid of being alone in the hospital with her.  Afraid of the actual surgery.  ChloeJace has only had 3 surgery's in her life but has been put to sleep over a dozen times.  I know the financial burden will be heavy, but that doesn't scare me, maybe it should?  Recovery at home with her and George scares me.  The 3 hour drive home from the hospital with just her and I scares me.
  George love, love, loves his sister, when she is away for a night, he is uneasy.  For her and I both to be gone, will be very dramatic for him, especially if Brian has to work!  I know he will want to be with her and play and get in her bed. It will be hard to keep him in a safe distance from her.
 So here it is my fears, all of them written out so I have to face them, and not just look over till I am ready to deal with them.  I am not ready to deal with ANOTHER life saving, changing...surgery!  I have strong faith and know that ChloeJace's is in good hands,  God's hands.  But I am just a human, and I love my child very much, and I know if he brings me to it he WILL see me through it!

Heart Surgery for ChloBug

Since we found out of the possible LongQT Syndrome in 2009 Chloe's life has changed.  She is not supposed to swim, participate in sports, run, ride bike, participate in gym.  Most of the things that kids do she is not supposed to do.  In school while the rest of her class goes to gym, she attends another music class.  During field days she just walks around.

Friday we went to see the electrophysiologist in Akron, OH.  That is a 3 hour drive from our house! We have decided to go forward with have an ICD (implantable cardioverter-defibrillator).  Within the next 2-3 weeks.  Because she is small, the doctors will go in her stomach and attach it directly to her heart.  After she gets older and bigger it will be placed in her chest.  She will have a scar but it will be small.  She will have to stay overnight possible 2 after the surgery. Recovery is about 2 weeks.  I still have no idea what I will do with George, I am sure it will all work out.


ChloeJace is looking forward to the surgery, the first thing she wants is a bike.  We have talked about the surgery and what it means and what will happen.  As any child would be she is a bit nervous, but still excited to be able to do more normal things.

Brian, is nervous too, he has never had a child go through any type of surgery. Due to the cost he will not be able to take time off during or for the surgery.  That is ok, Chloe and I are pro's at this.  The doctor that did ChloeJace's brain surgery is at the same hospital now, he is on the floor just below the heart doctor..

Cedar Point trip 11

Since July 4th is my favorite holiday, this year we actually did something.  We packed up the car and kids and headed to Cedar Point. 

The car trip was only about an hour and a half. Not Bad!!

First stop was the carousel! Something the whole family could do.

George found lots of rides he could go on.

Some he needed a big person with him.

Some CJ could do.

Some she needed Mom for.

Brian even got to do some.

Oh! and Boom in the sky at Lake Erie!

Day 2 called for the world's biggest snow cone!

Blue Steel!! hehe

But all good things come to an end!

Food, Food, Food

I guess it should be no surprise that I have issues with food, who doesn't! I guess it goes back to my childhood ( what doesn't)?  For a long time I was a vegetarian, my father was not! He was a man like most and MEAT is the only food group.  Not good for a person that doesn't eat any meat (not even fish).  So I went to bed many nights  hungry. There is an old saying that kids will eat when they are hungry.  Not true they will go without instead of eating something that is gross or icky!
So My issue is if it is on my plate, I eat it, if it is left over I eat it.  Their are starving kids and families all over who am I to throw perfectly good food out, when someone is dying this moment from malnutrition. So I eat the food. I also try to have already made foods ready so it is easy to grab and go, or have a quick snack. 

I have noticed that on t.v. most of the people are thin but you see them they are eating junk, and Cheetos! By the way I love Cheetos! (Dear makers of Cheetos if you read this please send me lots of Cheetos. thanks xoxox).  I have looked into Celeb. diets, and I am very surprised at what they eat.  There are lots of natural foods, but also lots of food service orders, personal trainers, and personal chefs, healthy living coaches, ect.  So from what I get the average person should have the average body.

As a woman I look around, and I see woman with better, and worse then I have.  I am not worried about worse, I am worried about better.  I think every woman wants their husband to look at them like they are the only woman EVER! We have been told what to think is sexy and beautiful. So next time you see me if I look like I have a few extra pounds now you know why!

Pick of the week

I love this! It was peppermint and eucalyptus. It refreshes and wakes you up! Lots of essential oils! Can be purchased in Salons.

The First Cut isn't always the deepest!

This post is for my Mom who has been praying for me before I was her child.  And for Mary M. who helped me see that you have to let it go.

Let's just jump right in!
I started cutting myself around the age of 12 or maybe 13. For sure by 13.  I was sad, very depressed.  That is also around the age I started drinking.  I don't remember why or how I first go into it.  I can't tell you about the first time.  Even in High School I would cut myself at school.  My teachers never knew, my Dad never knew.  I also had a tattoo for 2 years before he found out about it!  I wore long sleeves most of the time and when I wore short ones I had a scrunchy at just the right spot as to not show any marks I had at the current time.  I also used other areas of my body, as it was easier to hide.

Like I said I was very sad very depressed.  But most of all I didn't have coping skills, I didn't even know what they were or that I needed any.  I thought I was just a bad seed.  Doomed for ever to walk this Earth trapped in the pain.  The mental pain was soooo much worse then any physical pain at the time.  I am not sure how to explain it unless you have been there before.  You can't get away form your mind and your thoughts, and I was a prisoner of mine.  Although I knew their is/was God, I didn't know him, I just knew of him. I didn't grow up in a home of Bible reading or church on the weekends.  All I knew is that something had to give I needed some kind of release from ME!  So I cut myself....why? because it felt good... how could doing that feel good? it was something I could control,  how much, how deep, how many.

Their are times that I did want to die, be released form the prison of my mind.  Sometimes, it was a close to hell that you could ever be on earth.  And if this was how bad it was on earth I knew I didn't want to go to hell. So I hoped for more of an accidental overdose type of death.

One day, I found out I was pregnant, and I stopped! It has been about 12 years since the last time I cut myself.  The scars are still there some are faded and some will be there till God calls me home.  Just because I stopped, God didn't just hand me coping skills on a platter, I have been to counseling, several times.  But prayer from people that may have been awakened at night to pray and didn't know why or for who, and God granting me is GREAT, WONDERFUL, EVERLASTING, SUFFICIENT....GRACE

From Mayhem to Manna!

To tell you the truth I have not finished reading this book.  But from what I have read this book is a must read!  It is a true story of one woman's life and how God's grace and love brought her to a place of love and healing. In this book Pastor Mary Manna, tells of her childhood through adulthood and the unbelievable journey she has traveled! Mental hospitals, shock treatments, padded cell, etc.  I would love to tell you more, but that is Mary's job!  If you have ever thought you could never be clean, that you where to tarnished, you are not alone. 

 I would like to ask the author, why her?  What is it about her that is more finely tuned. You can see God's grace all over her life.  How can someone be so close to God, yet so very far away. 

Ok so you can get the book at amazon.  www.amazon.com search Pastor Mary Manna. Or from Tate Publishing. Pastor Mary is also on Facebook!
ISBN 978-1-61739-602-1)