It's been awhile!

Well, ChloeJace's heart surgery went well! That is the reason I haven't written in awhile.  Make the 3hour drive across the great state of Ohio with 2 kids takes a lot out of you!  ChloeJace started school like everyone  this fall.  In fact by the time she started you would not know she had the ICD/Pacemaker put in just 2 weeks earlier.  She was a bit tired the first couple of days, but what kid isn't? I still need some more time before I go over that day with you.  It was emotionally and mentally draining.  But well worth it! And our EP (electrophysiologist) Dr. Clark was great!  As of now she has not used the implanted device! Praise God!

Just a few weeks after surgery ChloeJace was able to ride a bike again! Something that she had not be allowed to do in years. She rides a lot now, she is learning the no hands trick!  Just the other night she was in her p.j's outside riding her bike! She is also in band now, she wanted to play belles (percussion).  She is also in bowling and starts girl scouts this coming week. None of these she was able to do before unless she was transported separately and I stood over her with an AED!

Sad to say since she got her ICD there has been a girl pass from sudden cardiac arrest (in CA) and another live to get an ICD (texas). Here is the thing they both happened at school! The girl that live had an AED on her in seconds, not 10 min. later.  If your school has an AED in the office locked, if a student collapses on the football field how long does it take to find someone that has a key and run up to get the AED and run back?  What if only office staff have the key?  I can't imagine help being so close but out of reach and a child dying! Can you? Does your school have an AED? Don't you think CPR should be a life skill? If you have children it should be! So why are we pretending our children aren't dying! Because we don't want to change, we don't want to spend the money on an AED?

The truth, whole truth and yadda, yadda, yadday!

Ok so I failed to mention in the last blog. That  ChloeJace's up coming surgery scares me! I am terrified. I am afraid of being alone in the hospital with her.  Afraid of the actual surgery.  ChloeJace has only had 3 surgery's in her life but has been put to sleep over a dozen times.  I know the financial burden will be heavy, but that doesn't scare me, maybe it should?  Recovery at home with her and George scares me.  The 3 hour drive home from the hospital with just her and I scares me.
  George love, love, loves his sister, when she is away for a night, he is uneasy.  For her and I both to be gone, will be very dramatic for him, especially if Brian has to work!  I know he will want to be with her and play and get in her bed. It will be hard to keep him in a safe distance from her.
 So here it is my fears, all of them written out so I have to face them, and not just look over till I am ready to deal with them.  I am not ready to deal with ANOTHER life saving, changing...surgery!  I have strong faith and know that ChloeJace's is in good hands,  God's hands.  But I am just a human, and I love my child very much, and I know if he brings me to it he WILL see me through it!

Heart Surgery for ChloBug

Since we found out of the possible LongQT Syndrome in 2009 Chloe's life has changed.  She is not supposed to swim, participate in sports, run, ride bike, participate in gym.  Most of the things that kids do she is not supposed to do.  In school while the rest of her class goes to gym, she attends another music class.  During field days she just walks around.

Friday we went to see the electrophysiologist in Akron, OH.  That is a 3 hour drive from our house! We have decided to go forward with have an ICD (implantable cardioverter-defibrillator).  Within the next 2-3 weeks.  Because she is small, the doctors will go in her stomach and attach it directly to her heart.  After she gets older and bigger it will be placed in her chest.  She will have a scar but it will be small.  She will have to stay overnight possible 2 after the surgery. Recovery is about 2 weeks.  I still have no idea what I will do with George, I am sure it will all work out.


ChloeJace is looking forward to the surgery, the first thing she wants is a bike.  We have talked about the surgery and what it means and what will happen.  As any child would be she is a bit nervous, but still excited to be able to do more normal things.

Brian, is nervous too, he has never had a child go through any type of surgery. Due to the cost he will not be able to take time off during or for the surgery.  That is ok, Chloe and I are pro's at this.  The doctor that did ChloeJace's brain surgery is at the same hospital now, he is on the floor just below the heart doctor..

Cedar Point trip 11

Since July 4th is my favorite holiday, this year we actually did something.  We packed up the car and kids and headed to Cedar Point. 

The car trip was only about an hour and a half. Not Bad!!

First stop was the carousel! Something the whole family could do.

George found lots of rides he could go on.

Some he needed a big person with him.

Some CJ could do.

Some she needed Mom for.

Brian even got to do some.

Oh! and Boom in the sky at Lake Erie!

Day 2 called for the world's biggest snow cone!

Blue Steel!! hehe

But all good things come to an end!

Food, Food, Food

I guess it should be no surprise that I have issues with food, who doesn't! I guess it goes back to my childhood ( what doesn't)?  For a long time I was a vegetarian, my father was not! He was a man like most and MEAT is the only food group.  Not good for a person that doesn't eat any meat (not even fish).  So I went to bed many nights  hungry. There is an old saying that kids will eat when they are hungry.  Not true they will go without instead of eating something that is gross or icky!
So My issue is if it is on my plate, I eat it, if it is left over I eat it.  Their are starving kids and families all over who am I to throw perfectly good food out, when someone is dying this moment from malnutrition. So I eat the food. I also try to have already made foods ready so it is easy to grab and go, or have a quick snack. 

I have noticed that on t.v. most of the people are thin but you see them they are eating junk, and Cheetos! By the way I love Cheetos! (Dear makers of Cheetos if you read this please send me lots of Cheetos. thanks xoxox).  I have looked into Celeb. diets, and I am very surprised at what they eat.  There are lots of natural foods, but also lots of food service orders, personal trainers, and personal chefs, healthy living coaches, ect.  So from what I get the average person should have the average body.

As a woman I look around, and I see woman with better, and worse then I have.  I am not worried about worse, I am worried about better.  I think every woman wants their husband to look at them like they are the only woman EVER! We have been told what to think is sexy and beautiful. So next time you see me if I look like I have a few extra pounds now you know why!

Pick of the week

I love this! It was peppermint and eucalyptus. It refreshes and wakes you up! Lots of essential oils! Can be purchased in Salons.

The First Cut isn't always the deepest!

This post is for my Mom who has been praying for me before I was her child.  And for Mary M. who helped me see that you have to let it go.

Let's just jump right in!
I started cutting myself around the age of 12 or maybe 13. For sure by 13.  I was sad, very depressed.  That is also around the age I started drinking.  I don't remember why or how I first go into it.  I can't tell you about the first time.  Even in High School I would cut myself at school.  My teachers never knew, my Dad never knew.  I also had a tattoo for 2 years before he found out about it!  I wore long sleeves most of the time and when I wore short ones I had a scrunchy at just the right spot as to not show any marks I had at the current time.  I also used other areas of my body, as it was easier to hide.

Like I said I was very sad very depressed.  But most of all I didn't have coping skills, I didn't even know what they were or that I needed any.  I thought I was just a bad seed.  Doomed for ever to walk this Earth trapped in the pain.  The mental pain was soooo much worse then any physical pain at the time.  I am not sure how to explain it unless you have been there before.  You can't get away form your mind and your thoughts, and I was a prisoner of mine.  Although I knew their is/was God, I didn't know him, I just knew of him. I didn't grow up in a home of Bible reading or church on the weekends.  All I knew is that something had to give I needed some kind of release from ME!  So I cut myself....why? because it felt good... how could doing that feel good? it was something I could control,  how much, how deep, how many.

Their are times that I did want to die, be released form the prison of my mind.  Sometimes, it was a close to hell that you could ever be on earth.  And if this was how bad it was on earth I knew I didn't want to go to hell. So I hoped for more of an accidental overdose type of death.

One day, I found out I was pregnant, and I stopped! It has been about 12 years since the last time I cut myself.  The scars are still there some are faded and some will be there till God calls me home.  Just because I stopped, God didn't just hand me coping skills on a platter, I have been to counseling, several times.  But prayer from people that may have been awakened at night to pray and didn't know why or for who, and God granting me is GREAT, WONDERFUL, EVERLASTING, SUFFICIENT....GRACE