Adopted at 27

I love how all through Psalms we are told to tell of the good deeds God has done. Basically, we are given complete liberty to be big fat tattle tales….on God! (Insert favorite childhood song of mine: “tattle tale, tattle tale, hang your britches on a nail, hang them high, hang them low…sorry, just had to.)  And that’s what my friend, Jennifer, has done in this recollection of how her legal adoption at age 27 came to be. Her story of God’s amazing deeds will grab your heart as it did mine. You will be introduced to a real couple who wear Jesus well and you’ll see a beautiful girl who is growing and thriving in her acceptance of God’s unconditional love. It’s a long post and I’d rather you read Jenn’s story than my introduction to it so I’ll shut up now. Ahem.

So it all started with a hand shake and a very reluctant hug.  It was about 12 years ago when I was seventeen and pregnant and found myself at church having to shake hands with old people which was very annoying to me. The old people seemed nice but they liked to hug and shake hands. Soon these people where everywhere.  But they didn't seem to mind that I was pregnant or that I didn't have a father for the baby. Not everyone is like that though. You see even at church you get lots of cold stares and people whisper when you walk by.  In fact there were people in the church that wouldn't even talk to someone like me.  But not Bob and Liz. They were different. They came to visit me when I had my baby and of course, they wanted to hug!  Soon everywhere I went I would see Bob and Liz. I started to like them. I could talk about my struggles of being a child, and my struggles of having a baby. My daughter, ChloeJace, was very sick and so it was nothing for her name to be on the prayer chain. She was first hospitalized at 28 days old. Over the next few years Bob and Liz were around a lot.  They were there for first surgeries, first Christmas, and her first birthday.  I got used to them wanting hugs, but still didn't like it. They became my go-to people for advice on everything and they were there for ChloeJace for everything. They were like Grandparents!  Soon they knew all the stories of my past and how I got to be where I was which included all the bad stories of all the bad things that I had done.  Just short of killing a person I have done almost everything bad you can think of.  We were building a real relationship.  God had woven our lives together.  And the ironic thing is that I didn't even notice what God was doing. I think he was shielding me from understanding what he was doing because if I had known I would have done a lot more to sabotage God's plan.  I thought that it was my destiny to be miserable and unhappy forever.  Did I mention I had done a lot of bad things?  So I thought being unhappy and miserable was my payback. 

But God

But God began to show me that I could be clean; that he could make me new and whole again.  God began to work IN me and he has been working on me for years. Through these two people he put in my life I began to change.  I was no longer grossed out by having to hug them. I wanted to hug them and I wanted to be apart of them.  God has used them to show me that love doesn't have to be earned. That no matter what the bad things are in my life, someone wants to put their arms around me and tell me they love me. There is no amount of badnesss, if that is a word, that God cannot overcome. God picked me up from being single, pregnant and homeless and he cleaned me up and made me new again.

So my life has gone on.  I got married, had another kid and finished school. And still after all these years there are two people in my life that are there because they want to be there.

Years went by of this couple loving me, spending time with me and visiting with me. And then finally, after years of hoping, I heard the words I’ll never forget. It was in October of 2009 while Bob and Liz were up for a visit. It had been talked about and mentioned before, but only lightly. I guess with both of us being human you have to test the waters. After all, I HAD been a real piece of work! It took a long time for the walls to come down.   Looking back it made the Berlin wall look easy.

But God

But God helped tear down those walls.

So back to the words spoken. It was not planned by us but by God. I had been praying that they would ask. And they had been praying if they should ask. It is not something you take lightly or that can come to fruition without God. And when Liz stood up from the couch a towering 5'3", I was standing right in front of her and she said, "For years now we have been playing; we should make it official. We should adopt you.”  And at 26 years old, those were the most beautiful words I have ever heard. I didn't even have to think; the answer, of course, was yes!!  And in December of 2009 the courts officially stamped the document. I became Jennifer Leah Clark-Dalpe!!  My biological mother had died when I was 3, so after 23 years I finally had a Mommy and a Daddy! My kids know them as their grandparents because they are.  I try not to think of it too much. My flesh jumps in and I think of how I can't belong or don't belong. I am so used to not being accepted. How could anyone be willing to do anything more than play family with me.

But God

But God started working on this years before those awkward hand shakes and annoying hugs ever took place. And he has continued to work. God never gives up on us even when we give up on ourselves. God has transformed me in ways I could have never dreamed of.  But he did it so slowly that I never knew it was happening. God came to me in the form of two little red headed people. He used them to show me love. It is never too late for God. It took longer than I wanted to get the family that I wanted but God knew what it would take to get to me. So I know it couldn't have happened at a better time. The handshake had to come first and the walls had to come down and then family could fill those places.

ok? ok! God am I ok?

 Coming this Memorial Day, my husbands dad will have been dead for 12years.  Brian don't know that all he knows is his Dad has been gone for a long time. Why I know the date and year is a bit odd, I never knew him. I wish I had, known him.  But it doesn't stop my heart break for him. Life is sweet like cinnamon. 

As I think of the death of my mother, I know that not having that person with you is haunting. What, would be,could be, should be. In my dream I can make up my own stories. But we all wake up.  My heart means well, it wants me to be happy, but swimming in the dreams and waking up without that person, I don't know if it makes it harder or easier, to be with out them. Do we all fool everyone that we are OK? 

What is OK,we say it so much be we don't really mean it. Waking up with tears is not OK, or is it. What is our standard OK?  Everything is OK, no  I am fine.

It doesn't just have to be death and dying, sometimes it is life and living.

It is OK for orphans to drowned in their now tears? I don't have to see it so it must be OK

. Is greed OK. A job that you can't stand that makes you sick to go to. OK for millions to go hungry while we scrap our food by the plate full?

OK, to have your heartbroken, by life, people and circumstance.

The only thing I know that makes ALL of this OK is that God is with me, with us, with them, with you. He is there all the time and that is OK. The best OK I could have. Without God nothing could be OK.

False Evidence Appearing Real

I am embarrassed to say, I have anxiety and I get panic attacks!  There it is out.  I know it is not Godly and not from or of God!  That alone gives me anxiety!  As a God fearing christian I know this has nothing to do with God, I am supposed to be in the world not of this world.  I feel if people know my secret they will look down on me.  I mean come on! I have good health, two kids, a boy and a girl, a husband that has worked at the same place for 17 years, we live in a decent house, we have health insurance, dental and vision, we have a dog that was a rescue, and I have got to stay home with my children.  Who could ask for more?
But it is FEAR, False Evidence Appearing Real. And I know it is false.  But what is "it". I am not sure, different things set my panic attacks off. The last one was at the dentist, in the chair, the office was full.  I was getting anesthetic, she stuck the needle into my gums...everything went black, I started hyperventilating and crying. "you messed up I am blind, I'm blind!!  Hello crazy! After the doctor having to stop work and rush to me, my sight slowly returned and they called my husband to come pick me up. So embarrassing!!They rescheduled my appointment, and gave me a prescription to fill and take 45 mins. before I come in again! I could have died of embarrassment right there!
Part of the reason it is so embarrassing is that you have no control! None! It feels as though the world stopped.  When I have panic attacks, beside going blind, which for some reason I have to scream out,  I sweat (gross, so much for clinical strength), and I shake.
It all started about 3 months after ChloeJace had brain surgery. Less then a year later ChloeJace, with the help of her grandmother, asked Jesus to come into her heart.

So maybe I am crazy, certifiably nuts, or maybe I had to be so strong for so long that this is the only way to stop me or slow me down for a while.  I don't know, but I know I can still praise God!  Even when I am blind.  I had a panic attack today, and tonight George came to me and asked how he can have Jesus in his heart forever! This has been a great day! I have prayed for this day since before George was born. Tonight with ChloeJace, myself and his grandmother, Elizabeth Clark, George accepted the Lord!

Easter Dress

Easter isn't here yet, but Lent is and that means Easter is coming.  So I have to rant some more.  First off we don't call it Easter at our house, but most people do.  Now we refer to it as Passover or Resurrection Sunday, Easter is a pagan holiday, and we are not pagans.  For several years now I have been trying to do holidays different.  We don't to Santa, we don't give our children tons of presents.  Christmas at our home looks a little different then it used to.  We have been doing Resurrection Sunday different too.  One thing I stopped doing years ago is buying new clothes for Resurrection Sunday.  Now, I know Spring is about dead thing coming alive, flowers blooming, birds singing and all that great stuff you look forward to after a long winter of shoveling snow.

One thing I noticed was how much emphassis was put on resurrection Sunday dress.  Have you gone shopping yet? Did you get a hat? What are the children wearing? Do you all match? Let's plan a shopping trip! I found the perfect shoes!  Not to mention the money that goes into it. Let my just say that I think you should dress nice for church. However that might mean you nicest jeans, cleanest sneakers.  Every Resurrection Sunday every church we have gone to has always been packed!  Packed with lots of people wearing lots of new stuff.  Jesus didn't die so you could buy those new shoes you have been watching at the mall.  No matter where we have lived or what church we went to there is something that I noticed.  Not everyone can afford to buy the whole family new clothes for church.  You can totally tell who is wearing new and who isn't, not to mention all the fuss.  On Resurrection Sunday I humble go to the cross, not vain and all dressed up!

Not to mention the people that can't afford new stuff.  You don't think the other children notice that some kids don't have new shoes, dress, and a hat to match.  I don't want to go to church and make other feel uncomfortable.  I know of people that haven't gone to church because of not having brand new stuff to wear that Sunday.  Maybe it wouldn't be so bad but it is made into such a big thing. There are Easter sales, groups  of ladies to shopping trips, kids (mostly girls) talk about what they are getting.  When they should be talking about how Christ died for our sins, not if you got gloves or a hat!

There are women's organizations that help find batter women jobs, or shelters.  These women and children NEED clothes.  Women that have lost everything NEED clothes for job interviews.  These places take donations.  Last year I bought a dress and donated it.  Why? Because I had something to wear, because I never want to make other feel out of place being the only ones that can't afford something, because I am not worthy to go to the cross regardless of what I am wearing.  This year we may go to church in sweats, I go humble, not proud!

I know this isn't for everyone, I have been convicted you may not feel convicted that is fine.  My family is blessed, I am sure yours is too.  I don't want to collect riches in this world, I want to help and give to those that don't have.  I will set next to the homeless man at our church and not worry that my Easter whites will get dirty if he touches me.  And I hope he won't feel out of place watching everyone with all their new stuff shuffle in then out of the church, while he walks back down the alley to where he stay.  I know some people will say they buy new stuff, but it is not that big of a deal. Or we buy new stuff but we still talk about Jesus and our children know Easter is not about new clothes.  To that I would say good then the new stuff you buy they would happily donate, and you will buy the $100 pair of shoes and give them to away...right?

'I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!' Matthew 25:40 Because I am doing this with my family doesn't mean I think I am better than people that don't agree with me. Obviously God convicted me for a reason! Because I put emphasis on what we would wear, and that I should buy Easter clothes for my family. Maybe you don't.

Fasting

Let me just give a brief history of my fasting.  I have fasted a meal to read God's word or pray for a person or situation. We have fish during Lent, most of the time, having a diabetic husband can make daily meals odd no matter what the season.  If he is low and needs to eat quick well, then that is what has to happen. Sure we could get the fish sandwich while in the drive thru, um, no thanks, I don't think that is actually fish. If you asked me I would have said "yes, I have fasted" if you ask God he might just roll his eyes and shake his head!

So I will be fasting on Fridays, till well, I don't know.  I drink only water. Yup, that is right no 3 cups of coffee in the am, no diet coke. P.S. I love my keurig, and diet coke! I need to go to diet coke rehab!

Yesterday, I started off and I thought it would be fairly easy to go the whole day 24hrs. with only water.  I usual don't eat till about 2:30pm anyway, that is almost half the day.  Well, when you don't have all that coffee and caffeine running through your body, the hunger kicks in WAY sooner! Let me just tell you by 10am, I cried! I did, I was so hungry and there were so many hours left, how could I do this.  I also have the will power of a two year old in a candy shop, and it is 2hours past nap time. I also need to mention that Friday is grocery day.  So I packed the kids up and went to the grocery, and I could smell the already cooked items just pulling up. So made it through, and nobody saw me licking the glass doors in the freezer section, at least I hope not.  I also do a lot of cooking at home. The menu for the evening was homemade-ish chicken pot pie. Not licking the spoon was so very hard!! Do you know how many spoon you lick a day? or knifes? or crumbs that you just pop-in your mouth? Half my calories any given day are completely mindless, licking while I make for others. Oh! back to dinner. Homemade fresh bread. Hot with dinner and pumpkin butter on top! I did not eat any crumbs as I cut the warm fresh, steamy bread, and as I spread the pumpkin butter I could smell it's butter goodness! But I also made desert, gingerbread cookies.  I also let the children decorate them.  Decorating is very messy, I did a lot of wiping my hands off. *shakes fist in air*. But I lived to write this today so it can be done!
Sorry there is no picture I could not punish my self further by having my yummy meal pose for pictures, besides my iPhone doesn't have an app for tasting.

It's been awhile!

Well, ChloeJace's heart surgery went well! That is the reason I haven't written in awhile.  Make the 3hour drive across the great state of Ohio with 2 kids takes a lot out of you!  ChloeJace started school like everyone  this fall.  In fact by the time she started you would not know she had the ICD/Pacemaker put in just 2 weeks earlier.  She was a bit tired the first couple of days, but what kid isn't? I still need some more time before I go over that day with you.  It was emotionally and mentally draining.  But well worth it! And our EP (electrophysiologist) Dr. Clark was great!  As of now she has not used the implanted device! Praise God!

Just a few weeks after surgery ChloeJace was able to ride a bike again! Something that she had not be allowed to do in years. She rides a lot now, she is learning the no hands trick!  Just the other night she was in her p.j's outside riding her bike! She is also in band now, she wanted to play belles (percussion).  She is also in bowling and starts girl scouts this coming week. None of these she was able to do before unless she was transported separately and I stood over her with an AED!

Sad to say since she got her ICD there has been a girl pass from sudden cardiac arrest (in CA) and another live to get an ICD (texas). Here is the thing they both happened at school! The girl that live had an AED on her in seconds, not 10 min. later.  If your school has an AED in the office locked, if a student collapses on the football field how long does it take to find someone that has a key and run up to get the AED and run back?  What if only office staff have the key?  I can't imagine help being so close but out of reach and a child dying! Can you? Does your school have an AED? Don't you think CPR should be a life skill? If you have children it should be! So why are we pretending our children aren't dying! Because we don't want to change, we don't want to spend the money on an AED?

The truth, whole truth and yadda, yadda, yadday!

Ok so I failed to mention in the last blog. That  ChloeJace's up coming surgery scares me! I am terrified. I am afraid of being alone in the hospital with her.  Afraid of the actual surgery.  ChloeJace has only had 3 surgery's in her life but has been put to sleep over a dozen times.  I know the financial burden will be heavy, but that doesn't scare me, maybe it should?  Recovery at home with her and George scares me.  The 3 hour drive home from the hospital with just her and I scares me.
  George love, love, loves his sister, when she is away for a night, he is uneasy.  For her and I both to be gone, will be very dramatic for him, especially if Brian has to work!  I know he will want to be with her and play and get in her bed. It will be hard to keep him in a safe distance from her.
 So here it is my fears, all of them written out so I have to face them, and not just look over till I am ready to deal with them.  I am not ready to deal with ANOTHER life saving, changing...surgery!  I have strong faith and know that ChloeJace's is in good hands,  God's hands.  But I am just a human, and I love my child very much, and I know if he brings me to it he WILL see me through it!